It's OK to Cry

It started out as a normal evening tonight.  I had worked all day, went to see my Pudd for a few minutes and then home real quick before my game at East Carter.  Really a very typical day for this time of year for me.  As I got home, Tina was looking for a CD with some pictures of Titus.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I helped her find some pictures and then scan some more.  I wasn't really in a hurry, but I didn't have a great deal of time to take in what was happening.  Just before I left, this picture caught my eye.

This was the first picture I took of my little guy.  Momma kissing his head like any new mother would.  But knowing he wouldn't be with us very long.  As I drove from our house to East Carter High School, which is only a few miles, I began to cry.  Why?  Well, I miss Titus Levi.  He would be 7 if he were still with us.  What a wonderful Christmas this would be for him!!  As I approached the high school, I was crying pretty hard.  So I drove past it.  Pulled over down the road and pulled out my wallet.  In my wallet is my favorite picture of Titus.

I carry this picture with me everywhere I go.  I am not sure why it is my favorite.  You can't see his precious little face.  But one evening late in his 30 day life, he and I were having our time together after our shower.  I had dried him off and put on his clothes and he reached over and grabbed my hand.  I grabbed my camera and snapped this photo.  I still to this day don't know why this picture touches me, but it does.  As I sit and looked at this picture, I cried harder and harder.  Then other images entered my mind.

I kept telling myself, "Stop crying you big baby!!  You've got a job to do!"  I was raised that men don't cry!  We hide our emotions.  I've never been able to do that!  I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  But I was going to "work" at the game.  I can't walk in there crying!

Then it hit me.  It's OK to cry!  It is a natural emotion.  An emotion God created me with.  I don't have any idea if God has cried.  But I know He is been hurt.  When His Son left Heaven for the first time ever to come to Earth, I am sure he was saddened.  He and Jesus had NEVER been apart, EVER.    I am sure when Jesus was beaten , mocked and ultimately killed, I am sure God was hurt.  I personally feel that is why everything went dark when Jesus died.  And I am sure when I don't trust Him enough, or do what I am called to do, or do other things I know I shouldn't do, I hurt my Creator.  I don't know if He cries, but He has a right to for sure.

So I guess what I want to say is this:  It really is OK to cry.  Holding back tears bottles up emotions.  It is unhealthy both physically and mentally.  As I arrived at the game tonight, I was comforted by the fact that my son, Titus Levi Carper, is in heaven.  And I made him a promise that I would be with him some day.  As David said when his baby boy died, "He can never come back to me, but I can go to him."  That I will do and soon!

God bless you all and don't be afraid to cry!  It's OK